Wednesday, September 27, 2006

.

vai ser em inglês porque enfim, quem me conhece sabe que eu tenho um negócio com a língua portuguesa. eu sempre acho que as expressões e palavras em inglês representam melhor o que estou querendo dizer, mesmo tendo significado idêntico em português.
assim, sabe a música do filme Closer? linda. aí vem o seu jorge (que eu adoro e não entendi porque ele fez o que fez) com a ana carolina e traduzem 'and so it is' para 'é isso aí' e 'i can't take my eyes off you' para 'eu não sei parar de te olhar'. não é isso que ele está dizendo. não é. mesmo sendo. tem certas coisas que simplesmente não se traduz, certo? tente não.
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why do i have to fall first? eveytime it's my turn. i always feel that i have to do something about everything. i'm so tired. i don't want to make an effort. i made a lot of efforts my hole life and here i am, alone in the dark. great.
why can't anybody (not just anybody, ok?) fall for me just because what i am? you know, like like my eyes, my voice, my mind, my hair, my music style, my behavior, i don't know, i have to have something nice. why don't i inspire poetry? why? why? why? why do'nt i meet someone that just can't forget about me? that's dying to see me? i don't get it. i really try, but it's too hard.
i often say that i chose a hard way to live. it's very difficult to live by certain values and have and 'old' education in a world that's going totally opposite to that. people make fun of you, they think you're strange, that you're loosing time, they don't get around much anymore.
and then you hurt and try to adapt. of course i doens't work and, there you go, hurt again. and then (that's where i am) you just stop. start to be cold. start to act like you're not there. try to find excuses for everything people do even when you know something have no excuse at all. and you just don't expect anything. anything. if you don't expect, you don't get frustrated. and if you don't get frustrated you don't get sad, and lonely and that's so good (is it? it is, isn't it?)
oh please. 'help me if you can, i'm feeling down.' i'm like that. i don't like being like what i am today. i don't like me and that doesn't help because i feel that nobody likes me and i keep trying to give everything i have hoping people don't leave me and people do that frequently. i don't find a way to be different. i'm getting really upset and i'm almost giving up. but i hope.
i hope someone, someday bet on me. try me. i don't know much, i'm not unic, i don't know to do something that nobody else can, i'm not very funny but i have my days, i try to be accepted 100% of the time and i cry a lot feeling reject, but i'm ok, you know. it's nothing from another planet. my bag comes with some traumas, some confused ideas, lots of sadness and a huge 'wanting to be happy please don't play with me' t-shirt.
i'm not ready. too fragile, i guess. too in need. i'm gonna sufocate the 'you' that aventually shows up and take everything down.
oh God, a lost cause. noboby with fight for. not even i.
and that's when some relative or friends comes and say: oh, stop that. you're overeacting. don't be so dramatic. everything is gonna be ok. a fine lady like you have no worries in life.
why my problems are considered small ones for everyone? they're not small. dramatic? you haven't seen a thing. of course i'm overeacting. i'm desperate. i find no way out this situation. i don't want to find. i want someone to find me. please find me. let me find me in you. where are you (where am i)?
.

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listening to i'll find a way, rachael yagamata
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"i used to think that anything i'd do

wouldn't matter at all anyway

but now i find that when it comes to you

i'm the winner of cards i can't play

wait for me, wait for me

darling, i need you desperately, desperately here

and i'll find a way to see you again

and i'll find a way to see you again

the rain is like an orchestra to me

little gifts from above meant to say

girl, you falling at his feet

isn't lovely or stunning today

wait with me, wait with me

i'm alive when you're here with me, here with me, stay."

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