Saturday, March 17, 2007

(dis)appear

i want all my great invisible childhood friends back.
all the 6 or 7 of them.
.
when i was a little girl i had a lot of friends. invisible ones. they had names, lifes that i knew, personality and the rest that every human has.
i was just never loneny because i never wanted to be lonely. who wants to??
i was very good on making friends. creating them. i made friends with plants too. with people, well, that's another history.
my parents use to tell everybody about the different voices i was capable to do in my crazy conversations on the back of the car. they use to laugh about it.
but then, with time, my friends start to leave me. and no matter my efforts to brind them back, everytime i had more difficulty to do so.
.
i think when we're kids, at least when i was, i could make my reality different. i could live two lifes, the life that was given to me and the life i chose.
when growing up, instead of more freedom and options, i got more of the life they gave me. and it took a lot of my space and time. the life i chose could never be my priority. real people communicate to much with me and i never had the time to be "alone with my others good friends".
as an adult, i discover tha "talking to myself" or "speaking alone" or "thinkind loud" were not less than talking to my friends. but they don't answer anymore.
today, actually, yesterday, i discover another thing. my dear friends, they are me. my others.
the ones i want to be and the rest of the world don't let, or i don' have de courage to.
i use to envy all my invisible friends, the had the speech, the attitude, de lifes that i wanted to have. i would like to live a lot of lifes, but mine.
and now, they're gone for good. i have to stay here with this life that i didn't choose and live it. or not. "or not" is not really an option since i preffer some life than none of it.
houston, we have a problem. i don't like it.
and them comes that adorable voice saying: and why don't you change it?
and i say: because i don't want to take chances and maybe go to a life that it's worst than this one.
.
oh, come on sam, get a life!
I CAN'T. i can't get a life. the life i got the other life stole it from me. i can't get rid of this one, and pic another. because in this world to do that is insane and i would live the other life in a shrink hospital trying to explain that i'm not crazy, i just want my childhood life back. and the shrinks would say that i have difficulty in growing up and being a responsable adult and that i should see life from another perspective and be as ordinary as anybody else. if everybody can, why can't i, isn't it?
.
and then comes the part when people think i want to be different but actually i'm not. and there is a lot of discussions about that. what is to be different? to be unsual? what is to be "like everybody"?
that's not the problem.
i'm fighting aout me, myself and i. i don't want to be what i am. what i am to me it's not good. i theink that what i am doesn't fit the world i live. but i can't change world to fit in me, and i'm giving up changing me to fit the world.
oh hard times, who knows better than i? (and ray charles).
.
.
(i know, i want to be somebody's imaginary good childhood friend! i don't want to exist. not in this world-life.)

2 Comments:

At March 18, 2007 , Anonymous Kenji said...

What`s wrong?
Não sei se você sabe, mas o conceito de imaginação é uma inverção parcial ou completa de universos pessoais dentro da mente e derivados de percepções reais de um mundo compartilhado.
Então a criança só "imagina" porque não consegue absorver o mundo compartilhado, dai sua imaginação ser menos dinâmica e menos factível, a imaginação do adulto existe também, mas é útil e palatável, cheia de regras de um mundo compartilhado mais amplo...
Não entendo o que há para não se gostar do mundo compartilhado, ele é tão grande que basta você tomar uma pequena parte dele e desenvolver a imagem mental específica para encontrar algo pertinente... Eu, ao menos, não sinto falta da levianidade universal das crianças... mas vem de cada um... de seus mundos compartilhados talvez...

 
At March 21, 2007 , Blogger Esdras Beleza said...

sam, cocota [leia cocota com sotaque de gringo], you're a great real adulthood friend.


and noel gallagher could tell you some things better than me: http://www.oasisinet.com/site.php?site=songlyrics&idx=18&songidx=418&country=172&atype=0&from=&boxidx=

 

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